Your Teen Is Anxious All the Time. Now What?

If your teen is anxious all the time, you may feel like you are constantly trying to make them feel better. You reassure them that everything will be okay. You answer the same question over and over.

You check things for them, help them avoid situations that make them nervous, let them sleep in your room when they are afraid, or change family plans when your teen becomes overwhelmed. You may even find yourself thinking several steps ahead, trying to anticipate what might make your teen anxious so you can prevent it before it happens.

When your teen is suffering, this feels like the right thing to do. You are their parent, and of course you want them to feel safe. But if you have been doing this for a while, you may have started to notice something frustrating. No matter how much reassurance you provide, your teen still seems anxious. Sometimes the anxiety even seems to be getting bigger. You may find yourself wondering, What am I supposed to do? If I don’t reassure them, won’t they feel even worse?

This is where parenting an anxious teen can become complicated. The things you do to help your teen feel better in the moment can sometimes make it harder for them to learn that they can handle anxiety on their own.

When your teen’s anxiety becomes your responsibility

You answer again because your teen is clearly distressed. You want them to feel better, and you don’t want them sitting there worrying. Then they ask again.

This can happen with all kinds of anxiety. A teen may repeatedly ask whether they are going to get sick, whether something bad will happen at school, whether you will be there when they get home, whether they locked the door, whether they said something embarrassing, or whether you are angry with them.

With OCD, the questions may become more specific or repetitive. Your teen may ask you to check something, reassure them that they haven’t done something terrible, or participate in a ritual. You may find yourself checking the door, reviewing something that happened earlier, answering the same question several times, or helping your teen avoid something that makes them anxious.

You do these things because you want to help. But your teen may gradually be learning something else: When I feel anxious, I need Mom or Dad to make me feel certain.

The reassurance works, but only for a little while

This is part of what makes anxiety and OCD so difficult for parents to understand. Reassurance works, at least temporarily. Your teen asks whether something bad is going to happen, you say no, and your teen relaxes. Everyone feels better. So naturally, you do it again the next time.

But the anxiety comes back. Your teen needs reassurance again, and then again. Eventually, you may feel as if your teen cannot tolerate even ordinary uncertainty without checking with you.

The same thing can happen with avoidance. Your teen is anxious about going to a birthday party, so you let them stay home. They are afraid to sleep alone, so they sleep with you. They don’t want to take the bus, so you drive them. They are worried about getting something wrong on a school assignment, so you check it for them.

None of this means you are a bad parent, and it doesn’t mean you caused your teen’s anxiety. It means you are responding to your teen’s distress in a very understandable way. The problem is that anxiety can gradually teach both of you that the anxiety needs to be removed before your teen can move forward.

You may be accommodating anxiety without realizing it

In the treatment of childhood anxiety and OCD, the term accommodation is used to describe the ways family members change their own behavior in response to a teen’s anxiety or compulsions. Accommodation can include reassurance, checking, avoiding, changing routines, participating in rituals, answering repeated questions, or taking over things your teen is afraid to do.

It can be surprisingly difficult for parents to recognize because accommodation often looks like good parenting. You are being responsive. You are being compassionate. You are helping your teen. And in the short term, you probably are helping them feel better.

But there is a difference between helping your teen cope with anxiety and helping your teen avoid experiencing anxiety. That distinction can be difficult to see when you are in the middle of it, especially when your teen’s distress is intense.

The more anxious your teen becomes, the more you do to help them avoid anxiety

Eventually, you may find yourself doing things you never intended to do. Your teen’s anxiety starts determining where the family goes, what the family does, and how much responsibility you take for your teen’s emotional state.

And because you are doing all of this out of love, it can be incredibly difficult to step back. You may think, If I can prevent my teen from suffering, why wouldn’t I?

The answer is that sometimes preventing anxiety in the moment prevents your teen from learning that they can handle anxiety.

Your teen’s anxiety is real. That doesn’t mean you have to make it go away.

This is an important distinction. When your teen is anxious, you don’t need to convince them that they shouldn’t be anxious. You also don’t need to pretend that their fear is irrational or silly. Your teen’s experience is real to them.

But you don’t necessarily need to solve the problem they are afraid of. If your teen says, “What if something terrible happens?” you don’t have to guarantee that nothing terrible will ever happen. If they ask, “Are you sure?” you don’t have to keep providing certainty. If they say, “I can’t do this,” you don’t necessarily have to take over.

Instead, you can acknowledge what your teen is experiencing while communicating something different: I know this is hard, and I believe you can handle hard things.

That is very different from saying, Don’t worry, I’ll make sure nothing bad happens.

This can be especially difficult with OCD

OCD can make parental accommodation particularly complicated because the teen’s anxiety may be connected to compulsions and reassurance-seeking. A teen may ask the same question repeatedly because they are trying to get certainty. They may ask you to check something, participate in a ritual, or confirm that they haven’t done something terrible. Parents can become part of the compulsion without realizing it.

And it is incredibly difficult to refuse when your teen is distressed. You may think, It only takes me 30 seconds to check, or If I just answer the question, they’ll calm down.

But the question often comes back because reassurance doesn’t resolve the underlying need for certainty. It can become part of the cycle.

This is one reason specialized OCD treatment, including evidence-based treatment such as exposure and response prevention when clinically appropriate, can be important. Parent coaching can complement that treatment by helping parents understand how their own responses may be contributing to the cycle and how to support their teen’s treatment at home.

The goal is not for parents to become their teen’s therapist. It is to help parents stop inadvertently becoming part of the OCD.

You don’t have to stop supporting your teen

When parents first hear about accommodation, they can sometimes interpret it as a message that they have been too soft or that they need to stop helping their teen. That’s not what I mean.

An anxious teen still needs a supportive parent. They need connection, warmth, understanding, and appropriate reassurance. They need to know that you aren’t angry with them for being anxious.

What may need to change is the role you play in trying to eliminate the anxiety.

There is a difference between saying, “I know you’re worried, and I’m here with you,” and saying, “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure this doesn’t happen.” There is a difference between helping your teen get through something difficult and taking over because they are uncomfortable. And there is a difference between comforting your teen and repeatedly providing certainty that no parent can actually guarantee.

These distinctions may sound subtle, but they can make a significant difference in how a family responds to anxiety.

You may need to tolerate more discomfort, too

You are communicating, often without saying very much, I see that this is hard for you, and I don’t think you are in danger just because you feel anxious. I believe you can get through this.

That can be much more powerful than another reassurance.

You don’t have to be perfectly calm

Of course, this doesn’t mean you will suddenly become a perfectly regulated parent. You may still worry. You may still feel frustrated. You may still have moments when you give in because you are exhausted and just want the evening to be over.

That’s human.

Parent coaching isn’t about becoming a perfectly calm parent who never gets triggered. It’s about becoming more aware of the pattern so you have more choices about how you respond.

Maybe you notice that you tend to reassure your teen when you are anxious yourself. Maybe you realize that you have been doing things for your teen because it is easier than watching them struggle. Maybe you discover that you have gradually taken responsibility for things your teen is capable of doing.

Those are useful observations because they give you somewhere to start.

What if your teen’s anxiety is affecting the whole family?

Sometimes the problem is no longer limited to the anxious teen. You and your partner may disagree about what to do. One parent may think the teen needs more reassurance, while the other thinks the teen is getting too much accommodation.

Siblings may feel frustrated because family plans constantly change around one teen’s anxiety. You may feel as if you can’t make a decision without first considering how your anxious teen will react. Or you may be exhausted from being the person who manages every difficult situation.

This is often when parents realize that they need support of their own. Not because they are doing a bad job, but because parenting anxiety is hard.

It can be difficult to see the pattern when you are living inside it, particularly when your teen’s distress activates your own fear and protective instincts.

Parent coaching can help you change your side of the pattern

This is where parent coaching can be useful. I work with parents to look at what is actually happening in the family rather than simply giving them another list of techniques to try on their teen.

We look at the situations that are creating the most difficulty. What does your teen do when they are anxious? What do you do in response? What happens next? Where are you accommodating anxiety? Where are you overfunctioning for your teen? And where might you be able to step back while remaining connected and supportive?

Sometimes the answer is not to do less. Sometimes you need to do more. The important thing is to become more strategic about what you are doing and why.

This is consistent with the parent-based approach of SPACE, or Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions. SPACE focuses on helping parents reduce accommodation while increasing supportive responses to a child’s anxiety. Research has found SPACE to be an effective treatment for childhood anxiety and OCD-related problems, with reductions in both child anxiety and family accommodation.

For parents, that can be an important shift in perspective. You don’t necessarily have to wait for your teen to become less anxious before you can make meaningful changes in your family. In SPACE, the parent is the person participating in the treatment, which means there is a path forward even when a teen is resistant to therapy or unwilling to participate.

You don’t have to convince your teen that everything will be okay

One of the biggest shifts parents can make is moving away from trying to give their teen certainty, because you can’t actually provide it. You can’t promise that your teen won’t get sick. You can’t guarantee that they won’t make a mistake. You can’t know that everyone will like them. You can’t promise that nothing bad will ever happen.

And trying to provide that level of certainty can put you in an impossible position.

Instead, you can help your teen develop confidence in something else: their ability to handle what happens.

That is a very different kind of confidence. It doesn’t say, Nothing bad will happen. It says, Whatever happens, you will have resources. You will have support. And you can handle more than your anxiety is telling you that you can.

That is the kind of confidence I want parents to develop in themselves, too.

You can be supportive without becoming responsible for your teen’s anxiety

If your teen’s anxiety has gradually taken over your family life, you may feel as if you need to find the perfect strategy to fix it.

You don’t.

You may need specialized treatment for your teen. You may need a therapist who understands anxiety or OCD. You may need a psychiatrist or other professional depending on your teen’s needs. And you may also need support in changing the ways that you respond at home.

Parent coaching can be a place to work on that.

The goal isn’t to blame you for your teen’s anxiety. It isn’t to tell you that you’ve been doing everything wrong. And it isn’t to teach you how to control your teen. It is to help you understand what is within your control and become more intentional about how you use that influence.

You can support your teen without taking responsibility for making them feel okay all the time. You can be compassionate without accommodating every fear. You can hold boundaries without becoming harsh. And you can stay connected to your teen while allowing them to experience some of the discomfort that comes with growing, learning, and becoming more independent.

Your teen’s anxiety may not change overnight. But you can change your side of the relationship with anxiety, and that can change a lot.

How I can help

I work with parents of children and teens who are struggling with anxiety, OCD, and other difficult behaviors. My approach is practical and parent-focused, drawing from Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions (SPACE) treatment, attachment, family dynamics, nervous system regulation, and other evidence-based approaches.

We focus on what is happening in your actual family and what you can change. Rather than giving you a script to use the next time your teen is anxious, we look at the larger patterns so you can become calmer, more confident, and more strategic in how you respond.

If you are exhausted from reassuring, checking, accommodating, or trying to prevent your teen’s anxiety from taking over your family’s life, I offer a free 20-minute consultation to talk about what is happening and whether parent coaching might be a good fit.

You don’t have to make your teen’s anxiety disappear to help your teen become more confident.

Learn more about parent coaching

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